We're all one phone call from our knees...

With each dirt-streaked tear, each faithless stumble, each heart-led fall, my head spins as all-consuming questions begin to layer in a desperately chaotic search for more. Sometimes, the answers I uncover aren’t enough to satisfy me. Sometimes, they aren’t what I want to believe is true. And sometimes, I still just don’t understand.

When I was younger, I couldn’t comprehend that the world was constantly spinning even if I stood still. So I would twirl myself in unrelenting circles; when I paused, the earth would make its rumored turns around me. With that, I was appeased.

I couldn’t fathom why, beneath the scientific explanations and logical conclusions, the sky was blue. So I would lie on my back, close my eyes, and think deeply about other colors replacing that which is accepted; when I opened my eyes again, I realized that I simply wouldn’t want the sky to be any other shade even if it could be painted over. Yet again, I was appeased.

And now, after all these years, the world is still spinning and the sky is still blue. But now, I’m not asking why it’s true; I’m asking how it’s true. How is it that this earth continues to make its rounds when a best friend, a beautiful soul, a man like none before, has departed? How is it that the sky is filled with its age-old, limitless color when my own life has gone to black and white without the person who filled it with shining light and glorious hues?

Ryan, I can't explain big the hole is that you created inside me when you decided to leave us because I’m honestly shattered. I don't know how I’m going to put my own life back together because when I realized your arms will never wrap around me again, my heart exploded with the terror, the grief, and the unfathomable. You were a slave to circumstance, yet another victim to the casualties of time. The chains were suffocating, and the masters of pain and fear were closing in on you. But baby, we all would have willingly locked ourselves into that darkened place next to you if you had just given us another chance. Together, through laughter and hope and love, we would have fought back the shadows. We would have linked arms, allowing our friendship to be the only chains holding us together.

And so my darling, together we cry. We cry for the incredible man who held his head high for so long. We cry for the lonely world that is now deprived of a mesmerizing soul. We cry for you Ryan.

Your heart will never leave this place that you were so desperate to escape from; I will forever hold it in my own. Thank you for the privilege of being apart of your life. I love you. I miss you. I’ll see you on the other side my love, my sweet, my friend.