Past and Precedence

There’s this place I get trapped in sometimes, this bizarre and inexpressible chasm my mind creates after sleep yet before awake. My dream begins to break up into over-exposed images flashing in random sequence. The underlying message of my unconscious wandering dulls as clipped pictures pass by effortlessly and I am powerless to register any information beyond the emotions each scene evokes. A noiseless, shapeless drone quickly approaches with an increasingly loud murmur that means absolutely nothing and still significantly something. I wake up in a state of dim confusion, questioning the pieces of my life that are slowly falling back into place. To be honest, I often greet the day with little concept of past, present, or future. Countless hours have been spent navigating such an in-between, recollections merging with potential experiences and distant moments colliding with rapidly approaching decisions.

A memory of undignified laughter lifts the corners of a dormant smile as my heart skips a beat in sympathy of such a moment; The way my happiness bubbled from deep within a secret place, moving forward at an unsurpassed speed with insurmountable force. The way my body shook with the effects of such pure joy, the trembles traveling straight through me, supercharging my soul. The way my tears of joy re-routed the dirtied, pain-filled streaks made by tears of regret, disappointment, and fear.

A memory of my dad skipping stones on a lazy river soars through my mind with uncanny detail; The way a vivid blue sky framed by fragrantly green trees made an expressive outline of his fatherly presence. The way unadulterated awe expanded in my young soul with each elegant, chaotic hop of his delightfully rounded rock. The way I stood, gangly limbs and ponderous expression, as I wondered whether my stone would always sink after an explosive splash or if someday my humble attempts would also yield faultless ripples, one after the other in perfectly rapid succession, as his always did.

At every turn, I run my fingers across the rough surfaces of my life that angle into the unknown. At every corner, I pause to catch my breath before whipping onto the adjoining path, prepared to scramble over the cracks, around the looming challenges, and past the beautiful things lining the way. And with each fleeting day, I sacrifice bits of my ever-shortening time to the memories; Memories of hellos, goodbyes, and bridges burned. Births, deaths, and the blinding light of life in between. Failed recipes, forgotten ingredients, and lessons learned from each mistake...

I don’t know where I’m going and sometimes, I wish I could erase where I’ve been. I suppose I can only content myself with the knowledge of where I am, and the blessing of something as simple as that.